I have the habit of filtering what I listen. If I do not like what I am going to listen I will try as much as possible to leave the conversation. I know those talking to me have my best interest in their mind but I just cannot bear the attacks.
I tend to not listen to people when I do not feel like being scolded. I have always related listening to being scolded since I was small. I blame my Dad for this. Too bad, now I have grown but I still carry that kind of defense mechanism.
Impatience develops strong in me. I do not enjoy talking to people as much as the people people. I become task-oriented. I cut conversations to their main points. I sometimes feel it is a waste of time to wait upon somebody who talks round and round.
I want quick and prompt answers. I want it instantly. But Jesus has asked to wait upon the Lord. Underline the word wait.
In high school, about 10 years ago, I liked waiting upon the Lord. I liked staying in his presence, spending time with him in songs and hymns. I did it at first out of textbook. Mom told me to do that, so I did. As if to catch a big fish, I diligently waited upon the Lord, every morning. Even if I disturbed my neighbor with my clunky piano pieces I did not mind.
My university life was different. The first few years, the habit of staying in his presence was still there. It was when I started moving from a country to another, I began to change it with the habit of studying his words. Not diminishing the importance of studying the word, but I began to replace my lone time with God with a lone time with the word. Yes, God also lives in the word, but my point is that I thought it would be sufficient to do it this way, since things changed.
At those nomad time, I did not have my musical instrument. The one thing that I used to serenade my entry to his presence. So, instead of looking for other ways, I got directly to studying scriptures.
Yes, I did got a lot of truth and rhema from the words. But I began to take the Bible as a fast-food meal. I go to the bible app just looking the answers that I need. If I do not get any then I let it, since it is fast food anyway. How satisfied could I be with a fast food meal, now that I realize it.
This morning, after all the things that happened these past few weeks, I attempted to get back to my old habit of praise and worship. I allocated time and place; far from the reach of smartphones and outside world, I tried to be still in his presence. And as you could guess, it was hard!
Jesus was definitely happy I tried to make time for him. But my mind and body just did not want to stay. I did not want to give it more time and be patient about it. All I wanted is to go back to sleeping and doing all the things that I used to use to do.
And this is why I want to write this post. Listening to my parents or relatives wears me out. Yes, sometimes they are really difficult to listen to. But don't put Jesus in the same place as your parents. Jesus is different. He should be. My parents have limited knowledge of what is going on in life, but Jesus does not. He knows everything, he has something good to say to me. But why do I treat him like the way I treat my parents? Why do I avoid the conversation all together? Why do I shut my ears when he starts to talk?
Please do not be like me. I do not want to stay this way either. He pointed right away this morning, if I were going to come back to his presence, I should be all-ears. I should be patient. I should not be addicted to the world. And since the obstacles is set quite high since the start of this attempt of going back to the presence, I suppose this is the right way of living. Everything right is always hard to do.
Help me God. I do want to come back to your presence.