Saturday, April 30, 2011



It would be "what '...' there is no '...'?". =D.

The fact is 'if' is in the system. We can't take it out and we are used to have it around.

Inside our complex brain, the system tells us how to react to certain situation complementing our basic survival needs and maybe more (i.e. ruling the world as if in thinking, knowing, learning and mastering what's going on in the universe to control it).

Anyway, it works from the simplest procedure of bringing an umbrella if it's raining up to predicting when the world is going to end if it's going to end.

What I want to say is actually this. I keep on thinking why I make this decision and not that decision. Most of the time for me, the simple decision making of yes, no becomes very complicated inside my brain and there are points where I can't reason further. I don't have sufficient data to continue the if's process.

Whenever I reached that point of frustration, I just wish that there would be no ifs or my mind could work in a more simpler way.

However, a wish sometimes is better to be a wish. I don't have the power to change things, let alone changing the system. We all understand that 'if' helps us to simplify many situations. I guess, what I could do now is to think less and do more.

*While writing this post, I became inspired to write more about my 'if's. Not really knowing how it's gonna turn out but hopefully it can help sorting my problems and maybe our problems too. We'll see how it goes. Bye for now.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It is a gift

Everything is a gift. What I am right now. Who I am right now. Where I am right now. It isn't my work(s). It is all given to me as a gift, as God's grace. And all I need to do is to response to this gift, to receive it.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

learning love-hate

What if i say, the truth is no one likes learning.

Studying, learning, and being-taught mean similarly. For me, it's a pain-staking process from not-knowing-anything to understanding-the-thing-slightly-better.

I had a little conversation with my housemate just now. He hates studying at night. He's tired and he needs his sleep and when he's sleepy he's just not in the mood for studying.

Then, I mentioned to him that I love studying at night. It's quiet and inspiration is just flowing over.

Well, I don't really want to point out the differences of studying types here. I only thought that if both of us do love studying, it won't matter when and how we would be studying.

So I come to the conclusion that I personally don't really like studying. Yes, I made a statement that I love studying at night but I guess I meant, I prefer the time at night for studying and not the time when the sun is shining. And if I have the option not to study and go to sleep, I would be under the blanket already and sleep my night through.

What's funny here -I don't know about how you feel about studying, do you like it or hate it- is that the Wise always says that we have to seek wisdom like priceless treasure and choose knowledge despite of wealth, but in fact only a few people do practice it (including me).

I study because I have to study: tomorrow is exam day -what else can I do. I study because I don't want to get red marks; my parents won't like it and I would hate myself. I don't perfectly agree with these reasons. They are too shallow and don't last long.

I wish I could study because I love it, because I want it above all else, because it's my lifestyle and it is for God. I wish.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


This morning, after writing my NuttKraPy section, I listened to a sermon from the Hillsong London Podcast. The title is Nobody's Perfect by Luke Brendling. For two days in a row, I encountered this word 'wrestle'.

If I'm right, Brendling says that when we wrestle with God, we won't win.

Yesterday, I read Genesis 32. The story of Jacob returning to Canaan and going-to-meet Esau scene. His wives, children and flocks were across the ford of the Jabbock already and he was alone on the other side. A man whom he later thought was God came to him and they wrestled til daybreak.

It seems to me that the fight ended in a tie before God threw Jacob's hip out of joint. Jacob's named changed to Israel which means God-wrestler and Israelites don't eat hip muscles to this day.

I wonder if Jacob was afraid. He was going to face Esau, whom he cheated and robbed before he fled to Laban's place. Approximately 20 years had past and he never had had any contact with his only brother. Jacob was betting all he had: his possessions, his wives and children and even his life for his meeting. The fact that he stayed behind after sending his wives across the ford could mean that he was going to run away, run back to Laban's place.

Anyway, why did he have to wrestle with God? Did God just come to him and say, "Jacob, spare with me, it's been sometime since I've fought with anybody". That's less likely to happen. So, Jacob must have something else in his mind that would make God came all the way down to him and had to fight with him.

It is most likely that he wasn't convinced enough that he had to return to his father's place and go back and face all the mess he created 20 years behind. This time with no support from his mom. He feared that he's not going to be able to escape from the consequences of the trouble he made and got out of the situation alive.

So, that's why he's acting weird: all mellow, hopeless and away. But just at that point of doubt, God came and made him stronger. And, praise God, yes he didn't win the wrestle but then he was stronger and ready to move on, to face all his biggest fears, uncertainties and worst-case possibilities and to receive the promises God had given him.

May Love love you all. God is love campaign.


My morning bread and butter (literally) in San Diego :
1. Down slice: Nuttela, the Original Hazelnut Spread
2. Upper slice: Skippy, Cream Peanut Butter
3. In between: Kraft Cheddar Cheese Low Fat

It's yum with very strong Skippy peanut taste supported by rich dark-milkish Nuttela chocolate. The cheese is a bit odd, but I just like it like that.

Anyway, while preparing my sandwich just now -I ate them in no sec and now it's running down the maze of my body, not knowing how they could turn out to be something, uhm, ... tomorrow morning- I thought of something.

The formation of my sandwich just looks like the formation of relationships. Each one of any living human is created precisely special and unique in all ways that only he/she and the Creator know. Just like my jams: I've got Skippy and Nuttela.

In texture they are very different, one is coarser and the other one is smoother. In color, I have shiny dark brown for the N and light peanut yellowish-brown for the S. So, I assumed I've got two different persons here.

What's interesting is when I am about to mix them together, meaning putting one on top of the other, I insert my slice of Kraft Cheddar Cheese in between those two slices of bread which makes my bright yellow cheese intervenes. It's just like dear Daddy who's so fond of relationship(s) that he just wants to jump in between each of the relationships we're in.

As a result, I have made my own home-made styled sandwich. It tastes just perfect. plus the Cheese, I've added another new breakfast-eating experience in my life.
Good morning, world!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Suddenly I remember the ways my Mom and Dad used to use to remind me not-to-be-naughty.
I feel funny now, how I could be that stubborn before. Anyway, got some points to learn.

Well, here are how my parents did 'it':

First, they noticed I did something bad (whether it was my need-to-improve habit or my naughtiness, I vaguely remember) then they looked at me in the eyes and shake their head. Meaning: no, not good, stay away.

Second, I ignored the eye-speaking-sign. Mom would start pointing her finger and sway it. She meant again: still not good, I warned you! -- Dad stayed silent.

Third, I still played around the fire. This time Mom will start speaking to me, "Raissa, don't!"

Forth, I was so small, too curious about everything, even curious about the look of my Mom's angry face. lol. So, she'll start calling my name again, this time to sit beside her. She was going to 'cubit' me.

Fifth, I didn't heed her. I ran outside. I knew she was going to make that move if I sat beside her. Then, it came to the time, when she's gonna go after me and grabbed my hand too-tightly til it hurt and finally 'cubit' me and tell me all the things that I should have done.

Sixth, Daddy still stayed calm. However, if there was no Mommy around. He's gonna go directly with the fifth method plus a stick in his hand, or a comb. My doom.

Well, after all, both of them will come to me and explain, that teaching or punishment is sometimes necessary. It's for me to remember it well. I guess, what they did is really effective, ha? I do remember it well.

Now, I hope, I can be more sensitive so that they don't have to scold me physically. Well, if I do get scolded. I should always understand, it's for my good.

Stop Sign

Traffic lights and sign boards are designed to prevent something unwanted (i.e. accidents) to happen. They also directs the flow of traffic. However, most people, including me, perceive that they limit our freedom and ability: freedom to speed and ability to get from a place to another as fast as it should have been.

Well, in the Netherlands or in Indonesia, there are not so many traffic lights as in San Diego. Here, in every turn or every block I make, there is always a stop sign waiting. It's annoying. I could imagine, why my friend always complained every time he drives to school or any other places; he had to stop every 20 meters. What's worse, there could be about 20 traffic lights to school. It's not energy efficient for the car!

Luckily, I ride to school and I find this road where there is not one traffic light blocking my way --up to 10 blocks-traffic-light-free. I am glad I find this shortcut. It feels like I earn back my freedom, I gain my speed, and the road is mine. I am relieved.

Today I passed through this highway of mine. I rolled on the right side of the road, switched to the left side in the next section, pumped my bike harder, glided in between the obstacles of the road and enjoyed the ride. Until I finally encountered a stop light.

I stopped and thought: this traffic light isn't actually that bad. I run fast enough just now. I enjoy it. But now, I have to stop so that I can rest, catch my breath, and get ready for the next part of the exciting journey. And without a stop sign, I might not be able to enjoy the ride as much as I did today.

Well, I know, in the first place, I shouldn't be thinking that traffic-light is bad at all. It's there for my own good. But I am just so accustomed about one thing: rules are there to be broken. But from the joy of riding I have today, stopping means recharging or refilling my energy which I would need a lot in the later part of the journey.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Patience cooks result

The aroma of the chicken broth slowly lurks into my nose and tempts my hunger to hurryly jump to the pot and open the lid.

I am making "nasi tim" at present. I haven't had a single meal yet since this morning. The idea of making nasi tim suddenly came to me. I browsed my refrig and found enough ingredients to make it. Plus, it's cloudy and cooler outside; a warm tasty meal will really make my day, I think.

So, there I am sitting, waiting for the chicken to juice out more and more broth and reading "the Shack by William P. Young" altogether at the same time. Then the aroma comes around. And I wonder...

What a patience should one's have while waiting and hoping for the best to come.

All professional cook, I believe, understands this concept. They can't hurry the meal's preparation, they could ruin everything by doing so. I am not a cook, not even close, I am just learning (from Mom's, sisters, Youtube and cookbooks). One thing that I learn from them: there is guideline in cooking and believe it or not, I should follow the guideline in order to cook it better. If not, I think, I'll be able to eat them but no one else would like to. Lol.

Patience will eventually show better results.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Life's Manual

I finally have a bit more understanding of why King David loved to meditate on the Word day and night.

Simply because the Word is the guide and the light of my way. I often get confused and lost. Therefore, preventing an unwise decision to be made and empty promises to be said, I really need to learn the manual of my life inside out; the walk-through of life.

A Significant Factor

The power of God changes life; not magically but constantly day after day.

To be remembered today: I am work in progress, let the Potter shape me according to His will. And during the making process, I need to endure all the pressure, heat and deformation. Cia yo. I'm never alone.